Intro

 I'm not really doing this Blog for the sake of others; I'm doing it for myself. I am sitting here at my computer, having been crying most of the morning. In 2007 I married a wonderful woman. While the first years were great the last 6-7 have been trying and the last 8 months have been the worst of my life.

At the time I was feeling stagnant, a feeling I did not like. I felt like I wanted to improve the family by eating healthier and treating our children with more compassion. I thought that this would spur a lot of growth and that we would become one of those families that people looked up to and admired. Then 8 months ago I made the decision to ask for a separation. I was angry that my wife didn't want to make the changes that I did and that it must mean she didn't love me very much. Never did I try and understand her more, how she thought and felt things. I quickly hopped back into the dating scene, trying to find the one that would improve with me. I met a girl who I felt listened to me and supported my feelings. We started dating and I foolishly thought that the relationship with her would be perfect. She was up on a pedestal and my feelings for her were not grounded in reality. 

A few months into that relationship I started realizing a few things. I realized that this wasn't going to progress to anything past boyfriend/girlfriend and that my wife was a much better overall package. I started trying to understand my wife more and that led me to a lot of realizations, which are still coming 3 months later. 

I realized that we were 2 different people, with 2 very different upbringings and that I couldn't judge her actions by my criteria. I had to understand where she was coming from.

I realized I wasn't a great partner. I often let her deal with things and only step in when she had been pushed past her breaking point, or closely to that breaking point. 

I realized that my childhood had caused some pretty deep scars, and I would need to learn how to deal with those and how they affected my life. 

I realized that I had a brother who I wanted to be like, in order to gain more love from my mother. I have now realized that, while my brother makes more money than I do, I'm a much kinder, compassionate person than he is, and that matters a whole lot more than how much money or things I have. 

I want to write about my healing journey, which hopefully includes healing of my marriage.